We say it plain but it all sounds the same

The theme for this week has been discovery.
Discovering new music, new concepts,
new things about myself, new ways of formulating ideas and
rediscovering old things. digging up old to confront
in order to mesh or to dispose of or merely separate and set aside.

the new music was some truly beautiful stuff, which is a rarity for me.
I come across new names all the time, but that means nothing.
I do, however, reccomend Lisa Hannigan and Slowclub.

The art critic from New York that I heard we were "very fortunate to have with us"
got me thinking about some things. One thing he said struck me as very obvious,
but in its blatant nature left me feeling very awkward for not having put the idea into action.

Since I know that my perspective by itself is no good for self-betterment in the art world,
why has there not been more of a research process for me?
I came to the realization that there has been some fear in me... some quiet fear of failure
that isn't really quiet at all. It's loud and booming in the way it has controlled much of my passions.

A fear of failure has convinced me of a lack of functionality to my art. Not just as a writer, a dancer, a critical thinker, or an actress, but in painting, in drawing, in everything that pertains to my major and assumed future career... In anything I truly love, really. All my life I've been taught that I can be anything that I want to be, with a sidenote of nothing artistic. That is partially why I fought God so hard on this for so long, and yet when I accepted it it was like vacationing in the mountains after rooming with a smoker for six months. In other words, I could breathe! But not just breathing for breathing's sake, intentional breathing, enjoyable breaths.

I, without realizing, began to shut the doors on all artistic possibilities, always dabbling but never committing... out of complete fear. This may not seem like much to you, but it is a profound idea for me. I had never put the f word to the idea before, but once I finally admitted it... well, it's a strange taste, but it's another one of those fresh air things.

In doing so, I think a part of me was shutting out who I was at my very core, and shutting the door on God also. You see, we can never fully love God until we fully love ourselves. Which, in all honesty, may never happen. We are constant works in progress, and there are always new things we are discovering about who we are. Beautiful things, ugly things, ambiguous inbetween things. However, there is a certain level of self-awareness one should have with loving God... but it's not really up to us to pick which things. In the midst of God's glory, all issues kind of gradually get addressed. That's the beauty of loving God and having God love you... it's a no pressure kind of situation. There's even a peace to cleaning out your closets. Not always the easiest thing to do, but no need to feel as though you've got to spick and span in a day. You may even find, that the supernatural love of God has the tendency to clean up a lot of our messes for us. Not as an excuse for laziness, but in the very character of God-- complete and total grace.

At any rate,
some credit to discovering is due:
http://www.ted.com
if you have the time, I reccomend it, most certainly.
the main concept of the site is "ideas worth spreading".
I actually found it through my drawing professor, who was presenting a few interesting artists, Munich is the one name that sticks out from the talks he showed us.
Don't be deceived, it's not solely limited to art.
Culture, design, politics, and more! Quite a variety of topics, with tons of speakers of every issue, concern, idea... I reccomed having a healthy curiosity when you visit.


Also, I've been reading Blue Like Jazz, yet another reccomendation. I may have reccomended it in my previous entry, but that should tell you how adamant I am about you reading this book! For me, it has been like looking into a mirror... and though I don't always like what I see, it's beautiful to know I'm sharing the view with someone else.