I've Got an Itch In My Soul That Needs to Be Scratched.

It's strange the places our minds can go when we least expect it.
Our minds, at rest, will take us down familiar paths. Comfortable places to turn to
because the mind is forever in motion. I think I need to teach my brain new pathways to travel when I'm in thought. Hometown brings up weird memories and emotions that aren't really valid or relevant to who I am now in any way, shape, or form.

It's good to be back though. I missed my home, and my family. So far I've been busy, and that's good... sitting in the house all day was never my thing.


I made an A in Drawing, a B in design. What did you expect? But hey, I didn't even have to look for a new place to stay. The apartments I stay in now conveniently started doing six month leases. I don't even have to move.

Intimidation is... the kind of fear the creates an irrational viewpoint that is in no way a reality. Somehow I think intimidation has crept in more subtly... it didn't come with a name tag. I don't know how other humans react to heavy amounts of stress, but for me... stress leads to a lot of questioning, some self doubt... a great deal of discomfort in my usually comfortable skin. It's like when the mattress needs to be turned and the pillows need to be fluffed. The pressure I put on myself because of some invisible standard was starting to put lumps in my otherwise smoothed way of thinking, reacting, etc.

But here I am, in the dust of a whirlwind with my hair mussed and my clothes tussled wondering what exactly happened and how do I handle it next semester, and the semester after that... because I have perspective now, but when you're right in the middle of it, you're too blinded by the details to be calmed by the bigger picture.

I miss theater, I want to dance again, I'm itching for a music festival and a road trip with some good friends but I'm feeling in my bones that any of that traveling roadshow is at least another year away, if not more. I eventually want to go out to Arizona, see what my parents saw. You know they never went to the Grand Canyon together, in their years of living there? "There's nothing like an Arizona sunset, Ash" my mom says whenever I comment on the sky here.


I don't know where to begin or end with this entry, so much has happened in the past few weeks... so much has left me thinking and questioning and rethinking again. Who knows if all this thinking will ever produce any progressive results.