My mind on spin cycle

and it won't stop whirring, swirling, sweeping me away into euphoria... then nausea when there's a moment's rest. I am expelling all my thoughts, all my fears, into running. into sleeping. into thinking and re-thinking. There is no smooth sailing for a thing like this. No way to say it nice or pretty, and I am the villain. Somehow, some way, I am the repeat offender-- the unintentional fiend that thickens the plot. From sweet water to molasses and time stands sickeningly still.

Then reality steps in. The reality of it all is the stopping point, the understanding that it's impossible to be everything. That I am no omni-anything and could never work the timing or the equations of human nature into it all. Another dividing wall separating the two rooms. I long for understanding and mercy, but I feel like a wandering refugee escaping from self-created prison cells. Don't you see? The timing is all wrong. It makes me think that none of it was ever right, that it was all just shadow and morning mist. I don't know what else to do but nip the plant before it gains roots. There is danger in its growth, and even if well-cared for will eventually be yanked up from the ground. Before complications overwhelm me at all sides. I thought I was trying to simplify. The next two semesters will be the most difficult. I can't swap my working eyes for wandering ones.