Awake Before the Sun

A dream:

At one point I was arguing with my family about how we lived two hours from New York, that it was right over the Bridge, and that I didn't see why they wouldn't allow me to go. We were actually on the bridge as we argued. I had seriously thought about driving but began to walk instead. In the middle of this huge traffic bridge (traffic was heavy and had come to a stop on this bridge) there was a gentleman sitting with a friend of mine. As I began to talk to this friend I said something to insinuate my being a Christian. The stranger that sat with my friend looked up from his paper and his espresso and looked at me. "So you're one of THOSE" he said, and I looked at him with the same response, implying that he was one of those people who thought Christians beneath his level of intellect. This was all that I remember about the dream, but it stuck out to me for some reason.


I went to home town this weekend, the four hour drive gave a lot of time to have a serious conversation with God. One thing God emphasized was a passionate distaste for people thinking there is "something wrong with them".. that a great deal of shame, torment, and struggle comes from a place of believing a lie that they were designed incorrectly, with glitches and flaws at the deepest, purest part of them. Living in a world under the influence of time and society that embraces and prefers an idea of perfection to that of what is realistic to humanity... that we are a fallen people in a fallen world... that we cannot be wholly satisfied or complete on our own. So when the discontent and despair arrives, a throbbing void that pounds in our chest, when the anger and our human disposition have us clenching our fists and gritting our teeth we find ourselves in a paralyzing conviction, convinced that we are the only ones who act or behave this way. That somehow we are barbaric and uncivilized, roaming around with our claws and teeth exposed... and that we should somehow be able to contain ourselves better-- "no one else has these sorts of struggles" we somehow rationalize, heaving more unrealistic expectations onto our backs. There is a lot more to be said of this-- a four hour drive and a lifetime of historical context come into play when trying to explain the discussion. Just something to think about.

Through all the processing I have come from a place of frustration and lack of inspiration into a new position of various ideas and swings of creative indulgence. There's an overwhelming desire to paint, build, write... any number of things. There is a convention in a small city just outside of home town, that celebrates the southern tradition of bluegrass, artisans of craft, and chefs of all sorts of soul warming food. There are contests for the competittive and a number of music circles embracing a beautiful tradition that exposes southern roots. It was so good to go, to see my family and to be immersed in such a raw sound. Like sugar cane or crab apples. That's the only way I know to describe it, at least to capture how I see it in my head.


My dear friend and I saw Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs together. Another part of myself embraced-- a playful approach to cultivation of diversity, intelligence, and innovation rather than shunning it. 3-D movies are now the big trend in cinema, and I wondered at this fairly old but dominating new means of escapism. Is this a reflection of our overindulgence of the senses, that it's not enough anymore to simply go and see a movie? It's something to consider, at least.


My friend and I began a fairly serious conversation, trying to catch up on the past few months of our lives. On a topic of slight distress, we looked up to view the most gorgeous full moon with a large bright ring encircling, reflecting off the faint clouds, but highly defined. She tried to capture the sight with her cell phone but could not. It was truly a quiet moment meant to be shared among friends. It was a good weekend, a slow and steady thing that was greatly needed in the heavy-handed pace of academia.


It's getting colder now. I'm working on adapting to that.

I've been listening to some lessons on and off the past few weeks. It's so engaging and encouraging to hear things confirmed, to learn something new, or even to re-learn something you already knew; I know there's no way to clearly express it in words, except that my soul has had a heavy burden lifted.