A Beautiful Journey, A Mess of Flesh.

Everyday has been a journey. One long, wonderful, beautiful journey. One day completely different from the next, and I'm so glad for that. So glad to take that in and not let it pass me by.

There isn't any writing because there's hardly any time to find the words to express it all. Some things aren't meant to be shared, but I want to. I want so badly to express ideas and paint you pictures. Without the full story, it would be wasted. So I sigh and leave the blog to collect e-dust.


Big things are happening, and I know that it's all because of You. Because of who You are. You've gotten me this far, and now you're taking me farther. I never thought I'd see the day, but You knew me better than I knew myself... as usual, as always.

I don't always like the things that people assume, the things that people say.... but I'm sure the feelings are mutual. I'm certain I say more than I should, do things without extreme cautiousness of thought. Therefore, I am human-- and that's nothing new.

The truth is, none of us know hardly anything about each other, but we draw our own conclusions. Similar to the way our eye can only see so far to the right or the left of us, and then makes up the rest. An intelligent eye can be as much a blessing as a curse... take that to be as much figurative as literal. Yet, the risks of hiding the beautiful mess of flesh we are and never being known are far more dangerous and weighty than to not be known by the people who love us. We've been talking about family in church recently. Emphasizing the dire need for relationship that's buried deep within all people. To know and be known. To share and share alike. It's this whole mess of flesh thing... wants without having to commit, wants to be desired without having to desire. It's all a cycle, but then there's Love... then there's You. You work with flesh, You make it better, bolder, braver. You bring slumbering bones to life. You brought my dry bones to dance. I can't forget that.


That's another thing. I'm working on becoming who I'm meant to be, but I'm not there yet. I'm more there than I was five years ago, moreso than even yesteryday. Which brings me back to the point of the beauty of the New Day... the journey from sunrise to sunset, from waking up to going to bed. It's all something wondrous that moves quicker than I have enough time to process. How many times have I heard people say within the majors around me, "there's only so many hours a day..." and we say it as a joke, but it's said in as much fear as jest. And we know fear to be a crippling thing... yet we hobble anyway, never truly resting. Then there's You... and You make a cripple walk. You take the fear and make it peace. You are what makes the journey beautiful rather than a struggle, day in, day out.

Had a dream last night, a big dream. Don't know what it means yet, but I felt its depth and weight... and I want to know what it means. Trying to remember all the pieces before I mention it to anyone in particular. Glad to have dreams, glad to be loved, glad to be doing what I love.

I was all these things... and then You changed me. That's something big in my heart lately-- I want to remember all the terrible things I was, but then I remember who I am.... who You are. How You're bigger than that, how You loved me beyond that. That is why I say with such strength and conviction that I am loved, and speak with passion about others being loved. They don't believe it, because they've learned to not feel it... because the world around them is a crushing, selfish, unloving thing... and to be loved in such a big way is vulnerable, and terrifying.

I always end up coming back to You and Your love... but that's only because it's such a big thing, such a tangible part of my everyday life. And love isn't always about easy or getting everything you want. It isn't about things, it's about-- deeper and richer things. It's about the heart, but extends beyond that to the very depths of soul and piercing its way to our very being... to our inner most parts. Mind, spirit, soul. All logic and gravity defied, Love exceeds that expectation. You exceed all my expectations.

Make no mistake, this is who I am. This is not a scene or a facade, and I want everything I do to reflect the purest most passionate glowing truth of this. It's not flowery words, it's powerful and active.


I say this all the time. I write to share about all that's going on, and all I can do is generalize because I'm blown away. I'll try next time to write more often, one story at a time.

Nakedness... figure drawing has taught me so much. Believe it or not, God speaks more through that class, that everyone seems to be so afraid of, than you would even begin to believe.

People are scared of nudity, and why? Because you can't hide. There's nowhere to run, all is exposed. However, animals don't wear clothes, they sprawl and are public about everything. Animals don't keep secrets. Humans, however, are messes of flesh and magnets for secrets... prone to hide and seek games. Prone to wandering alone. Not made for lonliness, but drawn to it nonetheless. It is a dark thing, a beast you intentionally fight or you'll be sucked in by it.. swallowed whole.

I might talk more in depth about it later. Maybe over coffee with some of you, maybe just on here. At any rate, at least I expressed a little detail on something current.