Incomprehensible

She said to me, "You see yourself through others eyes, am I wrong?" and it rings in my ears.

"Only every so often," I replied, "Certain times more than others."

Then, it's morning time and I'm crying in front of someone else because they've been living their life without me for months, and they see me through flash frames and snippets. Not such a pretty picture, let me just say. Things that have been avoided are now coming out and it's like ripping off a band-aid.

It's a vulnerable thing, to let people in. If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times.

It's a vulnerable thing to stand atop the proverbial mountains in your life and shout at the world, "I love myself just as I am." Seems that it's something the world likes to pick at, our content with self.

Truth be told, they and others get to see the holes in my life, but I'm learning more that I'm okay with that. Because what seem like holes to others might be spaces for a light of hope to shine through. Accountability, the ability for people to proof-read your life... it's a heavy, beautiful thing to need people so desperately.

I was talking with someone about death recently. We sat and talked on it for a while, they told me stories of people they'd met who seemed to have no fear of death.

"I'm going to be honest, I don't think I'm there yet," I confessed.

"You see, it's not somewhere you can get on your own, it's somewhere that Christ brings you to," is the summation of their response.

This morning I've got my pastor standing in front of me, reminding of all the things that are dear to me.

"Don't fear those that can kill your body, fear the One who can destroy body and soul."

But I hear it and I'm set free, in a terrifying way. I'm not afraid of this God that holds me in the palm of his hands, but I know his heart is as wild as it is infinite. I am frightened, and humbled. I am quieted, and settled into the crevices of his hand. I try to look into His eyes and suddenly this God is much more colossal than can meet my eyes, but I feel His warmth and I hear His breath, and I can feel the rise and fall of His chest moving me in His hand. Bigger, and closer.

What if... it's a thought that plagues. A friend and I were talking about the kind of people that live life from one "I can't wait until" to the next. It's a miserable world that's easy to dwell in, and most people do. I've heard it said "hurry up and slow down", and I want to.

Dear God, if I've ever prayed any kind of prayer in my life it's that you'd make me look more like You. Bring me closer to You. Unashamedly, unabashedly close. I don't care what those people who can't explain You away say, God you've never been more clear or so mysterious.

I am weak, fragile, broken. I make mistakes and You pick me up, without question or hesitancy. If I know You, what should it matter what others think? And what moment is so good but the one that's spent with You?

You've come in the middle of my begging and brought me to my feet. You took me out of the orphanage and given me more than a substitute, You've given me the real thing. The one thing that's so real it's incomprehensible.

I'm okay with incomprehensible. And if I'm not, I know You can bring me to it.