When I was able to go at my own pace, to have a week with my family,
I was thankful. My heart and soul, though tired, were glad.
I spent many mornings frustrated with myself.
I had all the good intentions of waking up early, getting to work by day and rest by night.
Of course that isn't how it happened.
I would be so exhausted from the night of caffeination and working from the night before
I would sleep in, only furthering the cycle.
At any rate, things were getting done but slow in coming.
As you can tell from the last entry, I was getting over the hurdle of being emotionally,
spiritually, and creatively paralyzed from my own fear and expectations.
Then the end of the week comes, and it's Sunday morning-- pouring down rain.
I said a prayer before I left, and all throughout, hoping that the rain would stop,
that my car would function smoothly, and people would be extra cautious in their
long drives back to wherever it is they came from.
For the next four hours (with the exception of the last twenty minutes) It would rain, consistently. The road was slick, the people were frustrated, and there were a few near accidents that had my entire body sore from an adrenaline surge or two (preparing for impact).
I hate long drives when I know there's going to be a lot of traffic, so I tried to get up early to avoid it. However, to no avail-- most people had the same idea.
It was a seriously stressful, frustrating thing. I wanted the rain to stop, but it didn't let up. The way the driving, traffic, and road conditions were I could almost see something awful happening, which caused me further agitation.
The story of Jesus calming the storm came into my head many times throughout that trip. I would have a one-sided, frustrated conversation with God the whole way there. I got quiet for a while, assuming I didn't have enough faith to pray and see the storm end.
I arrived to Auburn in one piece, frustrated with traffic but glad to be back to work on my school work. I had a week to pace myself and (perhaps) get through the final week with a bit of gracefulness. Then I get a call from my mother around eight that evening, telling me that my uncle has passed away... that he has been dead for five or six days and it would do no good to embalm the body.
I sat down after hearing the news to have dinner with my friend. We talked for a while about life, death, love, and God. He shared with me a piece from a book he had been reading... that many people today don't live a life that would position them to have faith and truly experience God. Part of the reason Christ told the apostles to give up everything they had was so that they could experience truth and life to its fullness. If we are our providers on this earth, then it is easy for God to never get true credit where credit is due. I think we experience the most joy when we see how God provides for us, whether we have little means of provision for ourselves or great, he is still there. The story of Jesus calming the storm came into my heart again-- I had been frustrated with God for that stressful car ride and frustrated at life for the way things occur, and I felt guilty for that. I knew I should trust God-- that He has always taken care of me and I should trust Him now.
But I was low-- I felt alone, and frustrated. I went to studio at ten last night, now having half the time and double the workload, preparing for a mental and emotional struggle between knowing I should have peace and simply being stressed.
Then, to my surprise, one of my dearest friends was at studio with another friend. To see her brought me so much joy... and I knew that it would be okay. God had known exactly what I needed in that moment, and had given it to me-- not over the phone, text, or facebook encouragement, but the physical presence of someone I truly love and find encouragement from simply being in her presence. The rest of the night was not a struggle but a joy-- God had reminded me of His love for me; how His eyes are on me, His hand guides me, and His arms comfort me.
This morning I was talking to my mom. She and I were talking about what would happen next, so on and so forth. She stopped to pray for me and speak a blessing over me. I think it was at that moment that I realized I had been so focused on the miracle of the storm being calmed, that I forgot the greater lesson of what Christ was speaking into-- that God is going to be faithful to the ones He loves, WITH OR WITHOUT THE STORM.
The disciples came to Jesus in the middle of the storm and literally asked Him, "don't you care if we drown?" Aka-- "Don't you care about us?" And he looked at them, with a hint of frustration I'm sure, then got up from his rest and told the storm to shut up and cut it out (more or less). Then He asked them what was the matter, did they still have no faith. I don't think they were listening (understandably so, they were focused on the fact that they were about to drown in a raging storm five seconds before, then Jesus says three words or so and it's suddenly calm and sunshine) because then they were focused on the miracle of what Christ had just done.
They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and waves obey him!" Mark 4:41
But they missed the biggest part of what God was telling them. They may have never realized-- or maybe one of the disciples realized, only after Christ had come back from death, the fullness of what Christ had said to them. You see, it takes years to build a relationship of trust with someone.. even God. The more He has your back, that is part of how your faith reaches its greatest capacity-- by means of experience. We get to see the miracles-- the storms calmed, the sick healed, the dead raised, etc.-- but that is not the fullness of a true relationship with God.
That storm didn't have to be calmed-- If they would have trusted, the storm would have continued to go on until they safely reached the other side (a little damp and frazzled perhaps, but alive, nonetheless) and Christ was speaking into that. He looked at them and basically said, "Do you not know by now that God sees you and cherishes you?" By now, with all that they had experienced, they should have known the fullness of God's goodness... and yet they still question. Christ, in that moment of compassion for them and care for their fears, spoke to the storm and calmed it. He appeased them, He went along with what they wanted to show them the fullness of His goodness... I had been so focused on the miracle that I assumed God was frustrated with my lack of faith on seeing a miracle... but I was so focused, like the disciples, on the idea of having the physically instantaneous that I did not see the true goodness of what was at hand... that no matter the outcome, God's goodness remains unshaken.
To be able to say that God is good means I would have to experience it first hand, or it would simply be some disconnected idea. God's goodness is a thing that weaves into our lives so that we are able to call Him good. Yes, His goodness stands alone, but God's ultimate desires are to know His people and be known by them... He wants us to KNOW, experientially, that He is good... and some times He will appease us and calm the storm instantaneously, but there are many times where He reminds us of how His goodness extends beyond our wants and expectations, going straight to the heart of our needs. And how much greater, to see that God takes sincere joy and interest in showing His goodness for both our wants and needs? I think the times He speaks directly to our wants is when He knows that's exactly what we need... another physical example of His fullness and goodness.
I don't know how everything is going to get done, or be taken care of, but I know that it will. This week will come and go, just like every other week before it, and it, too, will be taken care of. It is in the most frustrating moments in life that we are truly able to focus in and see God most at work.. perhaps life positions us toward God, and demands trust-- and as a result of the struggle, our faith grows. We may be tired from the struggle, but the fight, the week, whatever it may be, will come and go and be taken care of, nonetheless.
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