Kicking and Screaming

All my good intentions tend to fail horrendously. The bottom falls out on all my greatest efforts to plan, and yet... there's God, being wonderful. In the midst of my kicking and screaming, my cursing and heavy breathing.

What was it I said I wanted this morning?
"God, I want a heart at rest in you."
AND what happens? It's immediately put to the test.


I get to school to print off a paper, only to realize that the attachment never became an attachment. I have to wait on the transit, go home to re-attach the file (which would not attach, as the school e-mail system is feeling frisky this morning). All the while all I'm trying not to panic, tearing up as the e-mail won't attach thinking, "I just need to trust You, I just need to trust You..." as I'm already ten minutes late for class. Luckily I think of the memory stick I haven't ever had to use until this point. Frustrated, I drive to school and speed walk to class, entering huffing and puffing. My luck, we had a quiz right before I got there.

I was not in a pretty mood or mindset, to say the least... but in curiosity I said to God, "I know this is going to work out, I want to see what you do with this." I wait until everyone leaves, then ask her if I can take the quiz-- she lets me. She tells me to go to the computer lab and print off the paper, to bring it to her in her office when I'm done. It all just kind of... falls into place.

Registering for classes went about the same way in that it did not go as smoothly as I'd hoped or intended. One of the classes I was really hoping for, that both my advisors told me I was able to take, had a major restriction on all three of the different options I was hoping for. So I ended up putting in another filler class. I have a feeling it will be absolutely fine, and I'm okay with it. We'll just have to wait and see what unfolds.

All morning my prayer was ringing in my ears,"I want a heart at rest in You." I can't pretend I wasn't upset-- in fact, it looked a lot like a four year old throwing a temper tantrum in front of their father at the supermarket. After spending time with Him this morning, and then all that was going on to disrupt that good time we had together... I forced myself to act out my prayer. I can only imagine how much worse I would have been if I hadn't had that time with God. I just heard Him whispering reminders to my heart, containing my anger like a lover who steps in for their beloved. Was it the prettiest picture on my part? No. Was it a wonderful thing that deserves recognition of what He did? Oh heck yes.

That's what that means, to have a heart at rest in God.... to just listen, to be close and trust even when your humanity is going haywire. It doesn't mean you'll always act perfect, if it means that at all.

“But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -1 Corinthians 12:8-10

Who is this coming from Edom, from Bozrah, with his garments stained crimson? Who is this, robed in splendor, striding forward in the greatness of his strength? "It is I, speaking in righteousness, mighty to save." -Isaiah 63:1

He is mighty to save, a promise.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

All these verses present an unshaken promise fulfilled.

God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? -Numbers 23:19

I don't know... I'm just.. in awe of His goodness. Tactlessly in awe. All my writing skills tend to disappear when I try to talk about things like this.

Enough said, time to get to school work.