Unthinkable.

without warning or question, obscurity comes. surreality becomes reality.
I'm still not at the point where I can accept the fact.
when it comes to the point of closure, I'll accept it. I'll admit it.
I can't voice that just yet, but it's slowly sinking in.

for now I'll just be vague and abstract, to post for the sake of mental release.
but mostly it comes down to my concern
and my inability to do anything to help, just to stand by and observe.

vulnerable to admit I'm this helpless, but I am.
to feel selfish, to not know how or whether or not to mourn.
to be in limbo, to wonder where everyone else is, and what they're doing.
how they're handling it.

and how strange, when a friend you dearly love goes from being a person to a body in conversation. a glimmer of hope and a pang of pain in the 'not yet'.
simply an object to be found. it hurts,
something that makes me want to vomit.... to be honest.

I just can't fathom it, so I write in circles.
It's pretty heavy, pretty not real.

to understand how unstable and fragile all of life is around you.
to truly understand, because it's there and then it's not.
that moment is similar to the moment when you're taking your morning shower
and the hot water runs out.

sobering, stupefying; such words are an understatement.
& I'm still awake with a lot of work to be done.
A lot of other things to think about,
but this is what consumes.