Everything

What I thought were the hands of a woman

Now seem more foolish and childlike than ever
Caught in the middle of my shaking, yet pretending.
To hide behind the pleasantries of my so-called femininity
A long skirt to cover the crook of my knees
and broad-rimmed hat to hide the fear in my eyes
Tie it up with ribbons and bows and it looks quite nice.
But I’m Parading my mother’s fashions and her shoes don’t fit
Stumbling foolishly, half-blind. Afraid to face the first sign of troubles
I’m running in her highest of heels,
now more burdensome to a body than ever before.

Her clothes fall from me to the floor
in a tripping heap, mid-stride,
My pretending betrays my fatherless form,
stripped of place and pride
No ring, no robe, only a fighting dog born of flesh and fear
I cannot look you in the eyes, but I know lover’s voice in my ear.

“Do not follow the god of your mother’s mother, child, will you let it be enough
To stay in the safety of a footpath already worn before you?
Do not mourn with bitter tears for the mistakes of your father’s father.
Do not hide in the misery of the past, drinking deep of fear and sorrow.
Are you not the daughter I taught to fight with the sword and shield?”

Dry bones catch fire, wild fire forging through the dark of night
those stubborn ashes catch the wind, like a thorn or thistle,
and refuse to let go, only knows how to follow where freedom goes
only knows how to look, see, do. like a wolf with its instinct, catching scent
like a sheep, blindly bleating after a familiar call.

Did I even hear you right? Was I trying to breathe my own worth back to life?
But no, you were relentless. And before you, love, before you came along
I was beating my chest and mourning to the chorus of some funeral song
No body, no burial only ghosts and bones in darkness with locked closets
But you, dear life, I unquestioningly followed back into the light
How it burned my eyes, but the breathtaking sight
the shifting, cracking sound of my hardened heart, with a heavy sigh
Now the whole earth groans and I’m terrified.
But your love is like wild honey and it comforts me
Swallowed up by the sticky grace that unapologetically demands my everything.