Let There Be Life.

I will say it, write it, whatever... my dad has lung cancer.

He has stage four (of four stages) lung cancer.

And it's difficult to watch. Painful to see him hurt so.
To see him so down. It hurts. It's like being punched in the gut to hear the hurt in his voice.

To want so badly for him to just be okay. I've kept it semi-private, inward, whatever.

To be in what is and should be the prime of life, and it feels so foolish.. so wrong... and still, so beautiful.
There is something that tugs at my soul like an anchor, weighing me down, putting me in a really heavy place all too often.

I have a hunger to create, but no appetite. That, too, feels like a ton of bricks to think about.
Just as my father has hunger in his belly for what is innate to all men, the need for food, but no appetite.

But it won't be this way forever. Nothing stays so heavy forever.


Jesus, I'm sorry for the bitterness, it comes from wanting to control something that isn't mine to control. To fix the things that I didn't break, and that I can't unbreak. That's only you, Father. That's only by Your power, Jesus. Whatever is to be, don't let my heart be so hardened. You promised you'd come and soften me, and to protect me. I used to be able to so clearly see all the promises You'd spoken, but it's easy to lose focus. It's easy to have little to no focus at all.

And I know, I KNOW, that when it all feels like chaos around me, that you're STILL holding me, as you always have. That you know, and you see, and you're neither silent nor distant. You are not a passive Father, and Your heart is for me. Your love is better, stronger, bigger, and more powerful than mine. And you can do all things. It's because of you, Your love, your strength, that I, my father, my mother, my brother, and any one else for that matter, have the strength to face another day.

So whatever's to be, let there be life. LET THERE BE JOY. My house will be a house of life, where the Lord's presence dwells, where the power of the Lord remains, where the love and grace of the Lord makes all things new, becoming perfected with time. My house is surrendered to the Lord.


My life, surrendered to the Lord. Day, after day, after day. Let it be so, God. My beautiful, beautiful Father. Christ, my savior, not just mine but my dad's, also. My mother's, also. The same spirit that was with Christ is with my mother and father, my brother and sister-in-law, my friends and so on.

Your power works through them, in them, around them, because of them. You know them, intimately and deeply. Let them know You in the same way. Let them seek You, and find you. Put a hunger and an appetite for the One who satisfies, who heals, who comes and comes again, making all things new. The One who is faithful, who keeps His promises, who makes the broken places whole, who gives us purpose and strength.


I am a fragile, weak, thing, but You strengthen me, You're more sovereign than my fears and doubts.


Amen, Abba, Daddy, Father, Who sees me and loves me, just as I am, in all my mess You smooth out the rough places in me, You refine me. You are my beauty, the one beautiful thing about me. The One who gave me and gives me everything in this life worth having at all.