I may lack the drawl, but I've got the fire in my heart.. it burns like whiskey, strong and hot all the way down.

I don't know what to do with myself lately, honestlly.
I am supposed to be temperate, but this lack of sleep has my emotions raging,
has had me saying things, reacting and overreacting.

In spite of my offset, life has been a steamline of colors,
bright lights, and warm sunshine intermingled with smiling faces.
I went to see Ray LaMontagne with Sarah the Barista this past Monday.
I'm still in that old classic theater, standing on the ground floor clutching my balcony ticket.
Still dancing and leaning into every soul-sung word LaMontagne spun and spilled from his heart.
The drive home was long, covered with conversation about all the ups and downs,
confessing every uncertainty and insecurity. Intense would be a good word for it.

Sunday through Tuesday I more or less did not sleep. My sleep schedule has been thrown off by it for the past couple of days... attempting to regroup. I'm hoping for A's, after all the hard work I put into my stuff this semester... More than effort, more than anything else, my art has greatly improved. That, in the midst of all subjectivity and questioning, deserves an A. I hope my professors feel the same way.


The rest has been a blur. I have a few folks chasing after me to perform, to answer to them at their beck and call. I don't know what to do with myself, much less to do about their thoughts. In the end I guess I'm just not responsible for the conclusions they draw about me... only that I am truthful through the ups and downs? I don't really have what's right and wrong figured out in the midst of all this.


That's the hardest part, lately right and wrong have started to blur. They always seem to. Never so black and white as we somehow expect. There's only so much of me, and when I give out my truth it's all I have. I can't say I like for my honesty to be questioned.... It's a sore spot, considering I'm a pretty terrible liar. I used to be better at hiding things, but it was a stifling thing, a thieving habit that sucked all the life out of me. I forgot how to be any good at deceiving... I just want honesty, so I just want to give honesty. The hardest part to honesty, however, is tact. You can't always just spit out honesty, you'll end up hurting more than helping.. Jesus knew when to spit out honesty and when to feed it into parables. He knew how to speak to different people, but He never stopped telling the truth. He was never deceptive, He just loved enough to know what to do with the truth...


because truth that falls on def ears is just as empty as a lie in open arms.


I was in biology the other day and we learned about landfills.... soil, garbage, soil, garbage... a mountain builds. The odor stays, the pests still overtake... the only diffference is you've got this garbage covered up with dirt. Only now instead of a pile of garbage it looks like a large, ugly, lump in the soil... that stinks and ruins the water supply. If you try to bury your "garbage", it's still going to stink, and it's going to build up... and once you decide to deal with it, now you've got to get past the dirt and the garbage. Left undealt with, the toxins can seep through the soil to the purest part of your water supply, and your water gets ruined. Your source of life is poisoned and destroyed.


Anybody else see more than just garbage in a landfill? Science teaches funny life lessons.
And you think God doesn't talk to you. He's got tons to say about anything and everything, just have to listen. Don't sit there expecting a loud booming voice and a bright light from the Heavens. God is often much more subtle, much more creative. Like art, like science... like anything, really. Like garbage in a landfill.


I've been cooking more lately, eating in more often. With friends and without friends, it's quite nice. Try it, your body and your heart will thank you for the company and for the fresh cooking. Like most things in life, it's about enjoying the journey more than the end result... only for this the end result is definitely as tastey as the process, if not more so.